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As prominent as sex is throughout our culture, we still fail at having meaningful conversations around how deeply our sexuality shapes who we are and how we connect with others. Terrible dialogue aside, films and books such as 50 Shades are at least starting conversations around what we find normal, acceptable, taboo, or otherwise - and more importantly, why do we feel that way?
Mature sexual relationships are about openness, communication, vulnerability, trust and acceptance.
Watching my toddler son interact with the world has taught me a lot about how boys and men carry out their sexual interests. Toddlers touch, poke, prod, push buttons, and are distracted by all things shiny and slightly different. It's all based on curiosity. He touches something simply to see what it feels like. He pushes buttons to see what it does. He watches my facial expressions as he reaches for the TV screen to see how I react to his desires. We repeatedly have to tell our son to keep his hands to himself and remind him that he doesn't need to touch everything he sees, and he most definitely doesn't need to touch everyone he sees. All parents know this story.
At some point in most boy's lives, a girl will allow him the privilege of touching and exploring her body and her sexuality. Since most men are just overgrown boys, we begin our physical relationships by treating our women like the ultimate toy - poking here, touching there, rubbing this, and licking that all while paying attention to how she reacts to every combination of stimulus we can come up with. From the boy's perspective, he's usually on cloud 9 while still not believing some nice young lady is actually allowing him to do these things. John Mayer expressed the male youthful exuberance the best with the declaration, "Your body is a wonderland."
Girls are most boy's ultimate curiosity.
This innate curiosity of life takes many boys from canvas to canvas exploring different partner's reactions to sexual stimulus. As Drake so eloquently said, "Just need to know what the pussy like, so one time is fine with me."
The problem is men often mistake a women's allowance of a him into her most vulnerable self as a the ultimate measure of his masculinity. This is a common mistake. This way of thinking doesn't account for reasons valid, insecure, immature or otherwise, that made the woman accept him sexually. Men who measure their masculinity in numbers only often fail to take into account the type of women who allow him through the gates. Women will always be the ultimate sexual gatekeepers.
As men mature, we begin to realize the responsibility that comes with each orgasm and who we allow to take those from us. We begin to understand the how vulnerable a women is when she allows a man's entire essence into her being. We begin to understand the significance that each time we have sex, it could be a life altering experience for those involved.
There's a reason why sex is the ultimate barometer of a healthy relationship. No matter what your partner is into sexually, those individuals have to be open, communicative, trusting, accepting, and vulnerable for the full blossoming of the bonding experience to occur. This is no easy feat, and only the truly mature in their relationships are having the mind-blowing sex that comes along with being in the Grown Zone.
Remember, not all boys become men.
Zara D. Green and Alfred Edmond Jr. are co-principals of A2Z Personal Growth Enterprises, producer of The Grown Zone discussion series and related media properties. The couple leads sessions on personal growth, self-love and resiliency, healthy relationships and “Grown” decision-making via online and live events across the country. They know this book is changing the conversation about healthy love. You can grab your copy HERE.