It's a new day. Literally. January first has rolled around once more and for the first time in a few years, I haven't started the new year in a panic.
For the past few years, the month of December always brought about an impending feeling of failure and lack of progress starting around my birthday.
Many goals had been set, but few would be accomplished. Places I had wanted to see had been left untraveled. Suffice it to say, the new year was always that constant reminder of what I hadn't done.
But let's be real, I wasn't where I wanted to be because I hadn't done the things to get me there.
Sure I had plans. I had tons of them, carefully crafted out in my many journals, google drive, and evernote. But most never saw the light of day or at least past the initial stages of the process.
Instead I would always find some excuse, yes excuse as to why this or that wouldn't work be it not having enough money for certain materials, not having the exact marketing strategy, information overload or whatever else came to mind. Regardless of the reason, they all have one commonality. They were rooted in fear.
In my life, fear has been allowed to stall so many of my dreams and desires. I've allowed it to rule my actions or lack thereof in almost every area of my life. But where has that gotten me? Living a life of regret. That's just not how anyone should live.
So this past year, while i can't say I met many goals, I gained a clearer picture of who I am and the future person I will become. But the realization of it all didn’t become apparent to me until I reflected over the year as I approached my 37th birthday. Almost immediately after it came and went, I began to experience this calm almost to a level of indifference regarding my current place in life. At times I was nearly brought to tears with no explanation. No anger. No hurt. No sadness. Not even happiness but yet the tears were sometimes there even though I wouldn’t allow them to fall (I loathe crying but I’ll save that story for another day). While I couldn’t quite put into words what I was feeling, it didn’t stop me from trying to convey these experiences to my husband and some of my closest friends. As I began to sink deeper into this feeling, I took a step back from the outside world.
For a moment, I didn’t write here or really engage on social media on any of our platforms because I felt I had nothing to say or share nor the desire to if I did. I missed a few workouts for various reasons but didn’t harp on the missed potential gains. Thoughts of what I wanted to do differently this year came to mind but no real concrete plans were written down. I started to journal again releasing the thoughts I so often keep inside. I have simply coasted through life over these last few weeks and I am ok with that.
As the clock struck midnight last night and Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya’ played in the background, feelings of love, giddiness and the excitement of things to come washed over me. I kissed my husband and then began to dance while shouts of happy new year from my neighbors and their family rang out around me.
2018 has made its grand entrance yet that same sense of calm remains. With that, I know this year will be different. Nurturing the inner workings of me will continue to be a priority while also nurturing the relationships with the ones near and dear to me. I will learn to accept and move towards progress instead of having to have all the answers right now. I will no longer allow fear dictate the outcome of my life.
I will work to impress ME. I’m tired of being a spectator of my own life. This year I will LIVE.