To be honest I really haven’t been holding up my side of the bargain because well, sex. After that first month of trying DAILY, we were both over it. At least to that extent. But for me, I was waaaaaaay over it! That was just too much! Then you factor life, sincerely being tired and just plain not being it the mood, and menstrual cycle that does what it wants, we exactly haven’t been all in on this new endeavor. Granted there was some effort when it needed to count but clearly that has not been enough.
Getting Down To Business
Part of me is okay with that because frankly I’m scared of getting pregnant while also trying to still work a full time job and launch a business from scratch. I mean, will I have everything in place by then because who know when it's going to happen. I’m trying to build a one woman show for a product based business which means I am the photographer, the social media manager, the crafter, website designer, you name it. I’m doing it! So where will a new little person fit in all of that?! It's struggle just with the one!
Where Is My Me Time?
Plus to be honest, I’m thinking about how do I still find time for me. That really doesn’t exist now. Now to my husband he would probably disagree and say I do get quite bit a of time but I beg to differ. Going to the gym is not necessarily a space just for me because sometimes I have the little person in tow. While I often bring him along when I run errands either because I have to or I’m trying to give the hubs a break, on the rare times I don’t, it's still not relaxing because it's usually an errand pertaining to the home, them or even getting supplies for the business. Rarely is it ever a leisurely stroll at some local shops just to window shop or a cup of coffee enjoyed slowly while surfing the web. It’s always I have to be somewhere at this time and be back by this other time so I can complete 15 more tasks on a to do list that never goes empty.
Who Wants More Sleep?
But on a selfish note, I’m thinking who is going to watch a baby and highly energetic child while we as parents go on what I’m sure will be a much needed getaways from time to time reconnect, explore new places and of course the greatest of these, SLEEP!! We don’t have family here in the city so splitting them up would be easier, but then that’s two different cities yet not wanting to burden either set of grandparents or aunts with a kid each requiring specific types of attention because of their age. I just wouldn’t feel comfortable. Le sigh…..
35 And Counting...Tick...Tock....
Oh and did I mentioned I’m thirty-freaking-five!!!!!???? That in and of itself is enough to for me to want to pump the brakes on this whole baby making business. I don’t want to be an older new mom for the second time nor deal with potential of a high risk pregnancy. I know I still haven’t met that mark exactly age wise, but with some minor complications I had with the little person the first time around, I don’t want to experience them on a grander scale on the next one. Not to mention the PPD either. This is making me rethink my whole life plan up to this point. But I digress.
About This Parenting Thing
But then on the flip side, this little boy needs a playmate ASAP! Daddy can only play so many games and wrestle so much and I can only take him on so many errands just to keep him “entertained” in some way. Look ya’ll I’ve never claimed to be the best mom nor will I ever hold that title. Parenting is not my strong suit. It just isn’t. Hell! Relationships in general aren’t really but I’ll save that for another day. Honestly I have trouble engaging someone whose thoughts don’t venture too far from Paw Patrol and wanting to watch the blue dot move on the map while we drive. I just don’t know how to properly engage my little person on a consistent basis.
As someone who finds the company of herself more inviting than that of others, this has been my biggest struggle thus far since becoming a mother. I remember as child playing alone for hours because I had to. That was just life. Yeah I had friends but given where we lived I wasn’t exactly allowed to go to any one’s home until I was older. So yeah, I don’t quite know how interact with him but there isn’t a lack of trying. Just haven’t found our lane yet.
And Then God Said.....
Then there is the self imposed cut off date, that I believe God is somehow using to tell me to go have several seats because how dare I decide when the factory is shut down, number one without giving a real try (our initial cutoff date was my 35th birthday last year which would have given us less than 6 months) and we were more less treating it like an afterthought. Not something that is as serious as introducing another life into the world. We were and have been, I believe been very nonchalant, which again I believe is like, ha ha God, look what we’re doing. And he’s like, oh okay, I see you, how about I give you pregnancy at 38 while on paragard AND you get twins!! How do you like them apples!? Ok, maybe I’m having God do the absolute most in my mind but it so could happen. Remember Mary, mother of Jesus? Enough said.
But truth be told I believe I have a hostile uterus and the little person that is sleeping so soundly upstairs will be all there ever will be for us two. He was the unexpected answer to a prayer I prayed many times during a turbulent period in my life a few years ago.
Siblings Make The Best Friends
Plus as I’ve mentioned previously, I would love for him to enjoy a relationship with a sibling like the one his father has with his brother. It’s just cool. Besides if something was to ever happen to us, I want him to have a bond with someone that only they could understand. Sure there is a chance they could end up hating each other, but I will hope and pray that they wouldn’t because once again exhibit A, Channing and Isom. That sibling love is real and he should get to experience it.
Now honestly, it's that time again, and I really don’t feel like putting in the work. Ha! Because I want to in work on building this business so I can exit stage left from my 9 to 5. Oh and sleep. Sleep a whooooooole lot! But storks aren’t bringing babies around these days.
I don’t know if we’ll be blessed with a little person or not this year or exactly how my business will pan out but I guarantee, I have to at least try right?