The day I almost committed suicide

28th of June 2018

As I am leaving my brother’s house, I say bye to him in our signature
hello/goodbye dance, and give my 6 year-old nephew and 1 year-old niece a
hug and kiss before I head out the door, a strange and unfamiliar feeling comes
over me, something that I have not experienced before. I shake it off and get into
my mother in law’s Kia; I had let my good friend David hold my truck because he
was I town, and started to head back home. Again, this strange and unfamiliar
feeling is still lingering and I just cold not shake it, so I decided to make a left and
head down I-35S towards Austin rather than make that right to go home.

My mind is going a million miles an hour. What the fuck is going on with
me? Why am I feeling like this? Still not sure what is going on, I continue to
drive south, thinking to myself, all I need is time to figure this out, figuring out
what is still the lingering question. Out of nowhere, I start to cry uncontrollably.
My emotions are at 100! Anxiety; Guilt; Sadness; but most of all fear. Fear of
the unknown, I still have no idea what is wrong with me. I start to cry even more,
not knowing what the outcome will be.

“Channing, You’re better off dead.”

WHAT? Where did that come from? Who are you and why are you
telling me to kill myself? Immediately, I know what is happening. I am about to
commit suicide! Oh my God! This is how it ends…me driving on the highway,
ending my life as I know it. I try to shake the feeling but I cant think of anything
else.

“You are going to die today. This is meant to be. All will be better in
just a few moments.”


“Keep driving, Channing.”

I start to cry even harder. The feeling is so intense, so intimate, how can I
say no to something that I feel so passionate about. My brain is saying yes but in
my heart, I know it was the wrong thing to do.

“Just keep driving, Channing.”

Everything around me was telling me to go through with it; the songs on
the radio…the billboards on the highway…the on lookers in the cars passing me
by…everything. I look to my right and notice that I am on the upper level of I-35
looking at Texas University. I can see the capital building in the distance. All I
have to do is speed up and make this sharp right and with the speed of the car,
the impact of the barrier, and the semi truck behind me, it should be the perfect
combination to get the job done.

“Every twenty-two seconds, a veteran takes their life…now…it’s your
turn.”


“Get out of my fucking head!”

By now, the tears are flooding down my face so much that my eyesight
becomes blurry, the neck of my shirt looks like I’ve ran a marathon, and I’m
saying to myself that I will just become another statistic…just another weak,
powerless, insubstantial war veteran that cant deal with his shit. A pussy of a
man.

I continue to drive south on I-35 not realizing that I am now on the west
side of San Antonio. I am not even on I-35 anymore. I’m on Highway 90 headed
west towards Castroville.

The music stops.
I close my eyes.
It’s suddenly silent.
It’s my wife, Patrice, on the phone.

“Hello”

“Where are you?’

“I don’t know.” Still very emotional, I start to cry. In my mind, I want to say
please help me! I don’t know what I am doing! Save me! But the tears keep my
silent. By this time, Patrice is crying.

“Do you need me to get you?”

“No.”

Then I hear three words that broke me down even more.

“Please come home.”

As I try to clear my voice, I muster up the courage and say, “ok.”

Retired ARMY Sergeant First Class, Channing J. Washington wrote this from a VA mental health facility in Temple, TX while getting professional treatment for being a high risk suicide threat. We're fortunate this story ended with him seeking medical attention as so many of these stories do not. If you or someone you know is at risk of committing suicide, please reach out to 800-273-8255. For veterans please call Veterans Crisis Line at 800-273-8255. 

Drake lost the battle but won the war by taking the Throne

"I just feel like the the throne is up for the taking, watch me take it." - Drake on DJ Khaled's I'm On One [2011]

Fast forward 7 years later - 7 years after Jay Z and Kanye dropped Watch the Throne, and he's done just that. With the release of Drake's full length double album, Scorpion, he continues to shatter existing records and create new milestones for others to reach for. And while we can all agree true artistry is not about figures alone, we can't argue the hard impressive figures of Drake's reach and impact. It's almost enough to forget about one of the most brutal rap battle records to ever hit the airwaves.

The Story of Adidon by Pusha T was as solid of a Deathblow as you can get in hip-hop. I take that back - what 50 did to Ja Rule was the ultimate Deathblow. Need proof? Ja Rule's most recent endeavor was as a co-sponsor the Fyre Festival. Enough said. Push responded to Drake's Duppy Freestyle with facts we now know came from Drake opening up about his child situation to the GOOD Music crew while he was helping them finish up Ye' and whatever else other projects Kanye was getting Drake's opinion on. 

Today, it's seems Kanye called J. Prince to dead the beef not only because he's a self-proclaimed love-monger for the people with an equally dead ego. I repeat - Kanye told us he killed his ego [ahem]. He humbled himself not only for the sake of his own emotional intelligence IQ, but because Drake could BODY HIM if he shared with the world whatever Kanye reciprocated to Drake the night Drake opened up to Kanye about his child. And that's bare minimum knowledge Drake has accumulated over the years. He's been taking jabs at these cats for years now. 

The subliminals turned into direct shots and Drake took the L. Drake stans, this is not up for debate. Drake had to drop a since deleted press release in the middle of the battle to clarify that willing blackface...never forget. 

Drake went silent. 

Then his camp decided to let the album do the talking. 

And he made damn near all of Side A a reference to G.O.O.D. music and crew. 

Then he took the throne. 

This is not a new milestone in hip-hop. This is a new milestone in recorded content period. 

1 billion streams in a single week. 

That's mind-blowing content distribution and reach - globally. 

7 years later, the artist also simply known as 'The Boy' became the largest music artist in history. Simultaneously tying The Beatles, Eminem, and ironically Kanye West for longest streak of consecutive number 1 albums. Mr. West also joined this exclusive club with the release of 'Ye this summer. Kanye even implies himself in the new GQ interview that Drake is the top rapper in the game today. 

Drake never should have put Push's fiancé's name in a track.

Drake never had a response for Push. 

Kanye never wanted beef with Drake, because

Drake has all the smoke reserved for Kanye. 

It doesn't make sense to body Kanye for something Push is itching for. 

 

"As luck would have it, I've settled into my role as the good guy / I guess luck is on your side" - Drake 8 Out of 10

It never mattered if Drake beat Push in a rap beef. 

It still matters that Drake raw-dogged a stripper, got her pregnant then denied the child, but that's a topic for another post all-together. 

Drake is moving the culture forward in a way G.O.O.D. Music is not able to do - even with the iconic Mr. West at the helm. 

And with his newest achievements officially recorded on the books, the lesson is simply to focus on the bigger picture - no matter how surgically crafted and powerful your foes are. 

The Throne is Drake's to lose. 

Lucky Number 13 - Our Anniversary and 13 reasons I'm selfishly grateful to be married

The day I said "I do," I still wasn't 100% sure we were going to make it for a lifetime. No one does. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. Because as true as their intentions are, no one controls the decisions of another grown ass human. With that said, I'm proud to say 13 years later, my wife and I are still kicking it strong. 

In honor of our making it this far, I want to highlight my points of gratitude that kept me focused through good and rough years. 

These are 13 reasons I'm selfishly grateful for being married up to 13 years to my partner-in-life. 

1. Extra sleep

The best thing my wife and I ever did was agree to alternate sleep-in days on the weekend. Saturday mornings are mine, and Sundays are hers to exercise, read, leave the house, or just sleep in a few extra hours. Sleeping wins out 98% of the time. It's the sweetest sleep in the world - every single weekend. 

2. Someone to discover new things with

One of our favorite things to do is discover new ish. New food, new roads to drive, new hiking paths, new watering holes, new wineries, cities, countries, and even new ways to annoy one another. We experience thing called life hand in hand. Hate it or love it, we discover it together. 

3. Practice making kids

No explanation needed ;-)

4. Help with these damn kids we made

Single parenthood can suck at times. I'm glad we're both here to tag team these mamma-jammas. 

5. Delicious random goodies

From lemon bars, homemade mac and cheese, and bubble-tea, whenever my wife is in a good mood she's more likely to surprise me with something tasty to put in my belly. Who can be mad at that? 

6. Game of Thrones partner

Because Westeros is even more exciting when you can lean on someone during The Red Wedding. 

7. Spooning

Spooning or cuddling is still the number one reason for cuffing season. Agreed, you can't do that ish all night - it's too damn hot for all that. But nothing beats a good spooning session with either someone you want to hold, or someone you want holding you. 

8. Fake karate partner

What most people don't know is my wife hunts me in my own house at times. She's waiting for the right vulnerable moment to karate chop my head clean off as I walk around an unspespecting corner or while my back is turned as I wash the dishes. You need someone to randomly practice your wax-on, wax-off techniques with. Keeps me on my toes. 

9. Someone who reminds me to go to the doctor

Men suck at this. It's nice to have someone who gives a damn.

10. Someone who reminds me to exercise

See #9.

11. Someone to remind me they're not watching these damn kids by herself if I die

This is real reason she cares about #'s 9 and 10, but it's understandable. 

12. Help finding lost things

I lose things ALL THE DAMN TIME. I can't count all the times she's both bailed me out of a tight situation while simultaneously cussing me out. My bad. 

13. Taking care of my sick ass

I don't care if you're mad at your wife because she wouldn't let you watch the damn Superbowl. All is forgiven when you're doubled over in pain with the fever chills running through your body and she's tending to your debilitated ass with side-eyes, warm soup, and ice water. Because that's the whole point right? Someone we're privileged enough to take care of when all we have is conversation and a colostomy bag. 

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Stonehouse Vineyard. New weekend, new vineyard. 

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Teaching our youngest how to kick it early at Austin Eastciders

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Purifying ourselves under the waters of Krause Springs

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One of my wife's many side-eyes

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After a spoiled dinner at Loro. Literally some of the best damn food Austin has to offer.

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Our view of Krause Springs for the day

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How we lounge whenever we post up at a new watering hole like Krause Springs

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Mommy's girl

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Family splash time at Bull Creek

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Just how we get at it - Love you, sir

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