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Just casually scroll down your Facebook friends list [assuming you still have one] and count. How many of your friends are in relationships you don’t approve of? Not that any of your friends need your approval to try their hand at monogamous bliss, but there are the ones you know aren’t doing your friends any good. The ones you know who are clinging to a fear of loneliness rather than growing in a healthy foundation of support. The ones who are trying to fix internal broken issues through unhealthy external validation. You know the ones. You may be one of the ones. And you wouldn’t be the first. And you won’t be the last.
The important part is to recognize it, and to do something about it. Stop punishing yourself by limiting yourself to what you can get, or for the first person who might accept you for who you are.
By recognizing the why.
Why do you settle for what you can get rather than what you deserve?
Why is your behavior repetitive?
Why don’t you value what you bring to the table?
Why are you so insecure? Where does it come from?
Why do you feel your worth is less without a title?
Why is the title so important?
Why is your life’s picture incomplete without someone else’s interpretation of your circumstances?
Recognize your why.
Too many of us float through life with our why’s being driven by popular media, familial expectations, or worse – a sense of fear. But your why needs to be YOUR why. And only you can define your why. If you don’t know it, then that’s your first step in removing yourself from a toxic relationship. Because if you don’t know your why, you’re destined to run back to the vice that distracts you from your deeper pain.
After figuring out your why, learn the difference between what you need vs. what you want. And not some shallow “I-need-a-spouse-who-knows-how-to-give-foot-rubs” list. But a true need compared to a true want. And here’s how you tell the difference: if your partner doesn’t have something you want that’s compromise, which is always necessary in any relationship; if your partner doesn’t have something you need that’s settling, which is never an option for a self-respecting individual. A need is a necessary component for happiness and contentment, while a want is simply the icing on the cake, but it sure makes the cake that much more tasty.
And that brings us the final thing you need to remove yourself from a relationship that’s hurting you more than helping you – a sense of self-worth. And this is the most difficult part. If you don’t have or can’t develop a tangible sense of value of self, then a list of needs vs. wants won’t get you very far since you won’t be able to remove the toxic influences from your life until you realize you are worth more than you are accepting. This is where facing your inner hurt and pain come in. If you haven’t noticed already, removing yourself from a hurtful relationship starts and ends with you. This is the part that’s past communication, past negotiation, past compromise. This is the part that you inherently know is in your, and many times your significant other’s best interest. Some people will be uncomfortable forever until someone kicks them in their ass. Only then will change occur.
It’s starts with you. If you don’t value yourself or your needs enough, you’ll never take action. And the bridge between anywhere we want to be vs. where we currently stand is action.
Recognize it. Learn your why. Figure out what you need vs. what your want. Value yourself. Easier said than done sure. Worth the effort? Only you can answer that.
Troy Spry is –a certified life and relationship coach, speaker, REALITY EXPERT, and now author and decided to write a book about –changing your mindset about dating and love and why it’s important to stop repeating the same mistakes in dating and relationships. He knows this book has the power to change lives and relationships. You can grab your copy HERE.